Electric Grandmother

Never in my life have I cared for Heavy Metal music, but I’ve always had a fascination with the genre, especially the super scary stuff.  When I was young, my mom showed me this book about Satanism written from a Christian viewpoint that she had borrowed from the library. It scared the living shit out of me. There was a part of the book where this guy talked about eating pages of the Bible and puking them out for fun.  There was also a part where the book’s writer interviewed Slayer, and a part where a raving lunatic discussed mass suicide. Though I was terrified, I still couldn’t help but have a morbid curiosity about the subject.

Fast forward to adulthood, where I find myself first in a Borders reading about Norwegian Black Metal in the sub-genre’s notorious bible, Lords of Chaos.  (Or it’s NOT their bible, whatever, I don’t want to be set on fire by Vikings).  Once again I was scared shitless, and this is coming from a GG Allin fan (not really a “fan,” more of an observer who wants to be protected by GG Allin from Black Metal dudes).  Doesn’t matter, I was scared and had to ride the bus alone at night thinking about churches being set on fire.

I recently watched a 2005 documentary film entitled Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, and it did not disappoint in addressing the scarededness of the Black Metal movement.  It was a very comprehensive movie, stretching from the roots of metal in the 60s to the extra crummy metal of modern day.  In between, it covered the creepiest side of the creepiest people who have ever been associated with music. The filmmaker spoke to two members of the band Mayhem, arguably the poster children of Black Metal, at a music festival in Germany. They were out of their minds, and it was frightening.  See that above picture?  Those are two original members of the band, and they’re both dead.  One killed himself and the other was murdered by a member of another Black Metal band.  The guy who killed himself blew his head off, and the rest of the band made necklaces out of fragments of his skull.  There IS a Bogeyman, and he’s masturbating under your bed.

So how do we protect ourselves from Norwegian Black Metal?  For one, stay the fuck out of Norway.  For another, make sure to check all your locks and make sure your oven is turned off before you go to bed.  There’s really no clear cut solution to the problem, but we’ve got to try. All I know is that I am afraid, and I need some kind of buffer zone.  GG Allin may very well be our only defense.  Get ‘em GG!

Uh-oh…