About a year after America's Funniest Home Videos was on the air, my friend insisted to me that the host of the show was a guy named "Steve Strovan." I knew that wasn't his name, though I couldn't think of the real name of the host in the moment (how times change). So I gladly took and won the $1 bet he proposed after looking it up in the TV Guide.

Weeks later, my friend was hanging out with another kid, and he asked for the "dollar I lent him" so they could get a pizza. I was hanging out with his older brother that day, and I reminded him that he lost the bet about "Steve Strovan" being the host of AFV. "It IS Steve Strovan!" he proclaimed half-assuredly. "No it isn't you idiot, it's Bob Saget!" the older brother shot back.

To this day, I don't know who "Steve Strovan" is, or what the hell he was talking about. 

UPDATE: Our friend Noah determined with a 99% probability rate that my friend was referring to one "Steve Skrovan," who hosted a late 80's ripoff of Candid Camera called Totally Hidden Video.

EPISODE ONE

Pete (FB "John Mellor"):  I like the spirited homages to the past included in the episode. Seemed equally nostalgic and self-deprecating. Overall, I felt like I was having a stroke, but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm a little disappointed that the adults aren't going to be regulars, I wasn't aware of that caveat. I really, really think Bob Saget didn't want to be there. He looked tired and a bit disinterested. John Stamos seemed to be enjoying himself, and Dave Coulier looked happy to be temporarily employed. Also, I can't believe it's the exact same premise as the original, DJ's husband is dead now? Her mother must be rolling over in her grave.

As far as an actual opinion of the episode, I can't really offer one, as it was entirely about the premise and flashbacks. I'm predicting that the subsequent episodes will be on par with Girl Meets World. Well, I hope they're a little better than that.

Mary Alice (FB "Donna Jo Tanner"): So many emotions. Not sure where to start. I like the call-backs to the original, probably mostly because it's fun to hear other people talk about Full House. I can't believe they brought back the original Rippers and treated us to a Forever reprise. I feel like that was just for us. There were lots more of those throughout, to varying degrees of success. There were a few genuinely funny parts and the self-awareness wasn't too bad.

I'm concerned about the acting. It's very bad. I'm hoping they either find their sea legs or tone it down slightly. Candace Cameron is clearly the prize pig in this regard. I'm not sure what Stephanie is bringing to the table at all, besides her enormous rack. Andrea Barber seems to have trouble translating Kimmy Gibler to adulthood, which I get, though again, she needs to dial it back significantly.

The new kids seem ok. The little Danny Tanner clone makes me uncomfortable, but the older kids are cute and not so Disneyfied that I can't handle them. The baby is the baby. He wore some cool dinosaur pajamas.

I guess that's all I got. Overall, I enjoyed it very much. I'm very curious to see how it goes for 12 more episodes.

EPISODE TWO

Pete: I'm a little surprised by how unterrible it is. I keep worrying about Candace Cameron Bure taking on this psycho-Christian mom thing (that's what she looks like and is in real life), but it hasn't happened yet. I like that John Stamos made another guest appearance, he's needed. The little brother is kind of a psycho, both intentionally and unintentionally. It's weird how they're recycling plots lines and referencing the original series, but I guess that's what I want? I'm a little embarrassed at how some adult themes enter the picture, it's not as squeaky as the original. Of course, how could it be? Seinfeld destroyed the old sitcom-model, made everyone self-aware. On to episode 3.

Mary Alice: I liked this one much better. I am amazed at how good Candace Cameron is at carrying on the DJ Tanner character. It's like she never stopped thinking of herself as DJ Tanner.

I don't mind that the guys aren't in every episode. Epi 2 featured just Uncle Jesse, which worked. Frankly, I was just happy to be rid of Saget. Pete mentioned how unhappy he seemed to be doing this in episode 1 and he's right, it was unpleasant, watching him lumber around, all oaflike.

I digress. The plot of episode 2 was another retread of one of the originals, where siblings are forced to share a room because people moved in. I am OK with this trend.

I continue to borderline hate Stephanie's character. It seems like she's trying to be Lady Uncle Jesse (who wouldn't?), but it's got this wannabe Sex and the City bent to it that seems sad and tired.

There were actually a few genuine laughs in this one. It could just be my warped sensibilities, but I did lol at the giant Kimmy Gibler Fathead. And Jesse's character did some cute things.

Over all, I'm excited for episode 3. I wouldn't say no one is more surprised than I am of how not terrible it is, but maybe few people are?

EPISODE THREE

Pete: A girls night out episode with DJ, Stephanie and Kimmy. Overtly sexual, so that was weird. Again, I'm continually surprised by a couple of things - one, so far this isn't that bad, there are moments when I've legitimately chuckled. Second, I'm stunned that a religious person related to Kirk Cameron would engage such adult themes, specifically for this episode, a quasi-lesbian interaction. Spoiler alert: It was with Kimmy. Maybe that's today's advanced Christian. But I digress...

Joey was in this one, and he was kind of vintage. The kids are wieners, but that doesn't matter too much. It's a modernized version of the former show, and so far, they're not doing too bad of a job pulling it off.

Mary Alice: Guys, I think I might love this show. It's far from perfect. There are so many "HEY, LOOK, THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE NOW" themes and dialog points, but the meat of it is actually quite entertaining.

I like how they're bending over backwards to avoid being too conservative. It works. In this episode, Kimmy, DJ and Stephanie have a girls night out. They drink tequila and come close to having a foursome. There's some really provocative dancing, but it ends up devolving into a Dirty Dancing themed dance contest that culminates in Macy Gray shouting "What am I doing here? I won a Grammy!" which was legitimately very funny.

Joey was on duty this episode and was pretty much Joey. I liked his leaf blower/toilet paper shooter thing. I had a small anxiety attack at how they messed up the house and then gave us a morality lesson on how kids need to put their phones down, which is normally annoying, but so help me, I thought it was borderline touching.

We're going to start drinking now, so I can't vouch for the coherency of these as we move on, but the emotions will get more emotional, so that should be fun.

EPISODE FOUR

Pete: Another surprisingly competent episode. I honestly don't know what all the atrocious reviews are about. I can see not caring for it, but to say it's a shit-show is off base. The little boy is getting on my nerves, but the other kids are decent. I think the strongest thing the series has going for it so far is DJ and Kimmy, they're pulling it off pretty well. Their weren't any original adults in this one.

If this was a modern series without a Full House connection, I obviously wouldn't care, but since there is, I can say it's going pretty well. It's dumb like any modern Disney channel show, and it could never be on par with Drake & Josh, but it's holding it's own.

Mary Alice: I think we're getting down to brass tacks now. In this episode, we're introduced to DJ's workplace (she's a vet, which is a nice complement to Kimmy's event planner, both Jobs That People Do on TV), The plot is also more kid-centered. I genuinely like the two older kids, Kimmy's daughter and DJ's oldest son. They act like normal people, doing normal things. They go to Van Atta Junior High, which is where DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie went, which is a very nice detail.

That fucking middle child, though. In this episode he was tasked with picking out a puppy (one of Comet's descendants, born of Comet Junior Junior in the first episode) and it was really tedious. He just sits there, shouting things at these damned golden retriever puppies. Can barely handle. The next episode started while I was typing this and he's playing the trombone. This might be good.

Stephanie's character is improved. She's broke, flighty, and the one who interacts with the kids most because she's taken on Joey's loser characteristics from the original show, which I appreciate. She was borderline likable here.

THERE WAS NONE OF THE GUYS IN THIS ONE. It's ok, because I was expecting Saget, so I was just relieved he didn't show up, miserably reciting lines, stuffed in a too-small pair of Spanx, pretending no one can see or hear him.

EPISODE FIVE

Pete: Ok, things are getting a little weird. Stephanie goes off to Coachella to do a set (don't ask), and she's sad when she comes home to DJ, and explains to her through tears that she's unable to have children, which is why she doesn't have any of her own.

First of all, heaven forbid that someone lives a guilt-free lifestyle that doesn't involve having children. Second of all, all women who don't have children must not be able to have them, because EVERY woman wants children. Third, Coachella sucks, nice try being cool. Fourth, we're getting a bit too Disney channel with this one.

Cracks in the armor are starting to show. This better not turn into some weird right-wing conspiracy. There were still a couple of laughs, though.

Mary Alice: We have another recycled plot from the original series. In this case, Stephanie is Jesse when he started to get stir crazy, having given up his rock n' roll lifestyle to help Danny with the kids. Only this time Stephanie takes some time off to go to Coachella, with her party girl friend. It's less dramatic here than it was in the original series until Stephanie makes this announcement that kind of comes out of no where. I won't tell you what it is, but it made me uncomfortable. I think this is my least favorite episode since the pilot.

That middle child Max is slightly less unlikable in this one. The trombone is a good accessory for him. In another, less obvious callback to the original, Stephanie makes Max feel better about his stage fright by claiming that a scarf gives him special powers or something. Reminded me of Stephanie's hangy-ball thing where Joey convinced her that's where she keeps her courage, going to the dentist.

I think Stephanie as a character is coming into her own a little bit. She seems more like Stephanie from the original series. It all makes more sense now.

EPISODE SIX

Pete: Getting back on track. I have to agree with the real Donna Jo Tanner, there's too much "Hey, look at our modern references" in this show. We get it, you fucking a-holes. But anyhoo, this one had charm. Disney channel charm, but charm nonetheless. Kimmy talked about the size of Stephanie's boobs, which was...fine? DJ still has the concerned mom thing, but it still hasn't crossed the line into overtly religious.

The plot involved Mexican wrestling, so I hope Danny Secretion doesn't mind if I tag him. Viva La Luche Libre.

I forgot to mention, there was a masturbation innuendo reference in the last episode. "Exploding Volcano," I believe they said. And this was involving a 13-year old boy. They should be in jail.

Mary Alice: This one was weird, but not in an unwelcome way. The main plot had DJ downloading a phone app where she could physically track the oldest boy, who had been acting out in the least offensive way possible. Then they all learned valuable lessons. The B plot had Kimmy kind of jealous of Stephanie's being the Cool Adult presence around the Fuller home. It was here where we were treated to Kimmy's one-woman tribute to the 90s, which was much better in context than it was presented in the trailers.

What else to say? There was Mexican wrestling, which I guess is a thing now.

DJ continues to be really consistently DJ, to an incredible degree. Adult Kimmy, as Kelly Stitzel pointed out, is a highlight. I like her relationship with her daughter, who I meant to mention in the previous recap, is a vlogger. I was worried that we'd get all iCarly and the vlogging would take over the series, but we've gone one consecutive episode without a vlog, so that's positive.

WE STILL HAVE NOT ENDURED AN EPISODE FEATURING BOB SAGET. This is aside from the pilot, of course. I say nice work. Could use some more Stamos, though. I miss his eyes.

EPISODE SEVEN

Pete: I'm starting to have not much to say, and I'm getting drunk. It's an adequate Disney channel-esque show with a few allotted adult themes. I miss the grown ups. It's an understandable transition, but fuck the United States as a whole. They're keeping up the characters and such, Stephanie is DJ'ing the girl's birthday party, and she's a spoiled whiner. But it's still an enjoyable watch.

Mary Alice: It's Ramona's (Kimmy's daughter's) birthday and they're throwing her a backyard party. It's good. Stephanie is DJ'ing (yup) and the power goes out. Kimmy and her ex husband try to get along. Family drama ensues.

Kimmy's daughter is brilliant. She's easily the best of the kids and I get the impression that they wrote entire plot points around her casting (including Kimmy's ex husband being a borderline minstrel show of a Cuban expat) because she's really the breakout star of this thing.

The middle boy, Max, continues to baffle. This time he had some glow sticks and spoke of the zombie apocalypse? OK. I'm a little drunk but I don't care about this kid.

I liked this episode. I have nothing more to say.

EPISODE EIGHT

Pete:

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

All work and no play makes John Mellor a dull boy

Mary Alice: Mostly DJ's pretty sweater. Wow.

So Bob Saget finally came back and he was way better than he was in the first episode. It was cute where he was sad about "Cosmo" destroying the old Tanner couch. And then Stephanie came through with the early Father's Day present. Good times.

But god, that pretty sweater.

There was a fire truck, some things happened. Hugs. Whatever. I liked it.

EPISODE NINE

Pete: The obvious highlight of this episode is the return of Harry Takayama, Stephanie's husband from childhood. He even says "Holy Mattress Money." The call backs are great, but the recycled plot lines are pretty astonishing.

Now that the excitements has wore off, it's starting to get a little irritating, or maybe I'm just a little hungover. I feel happy when people and references from the original series appear, then get annoyed when we have to go back to the main storyline, which is basically a combination of Sex & the City (I'm guessing, thank you) and a bunch of hackneyed millennial quips. I think I'd prefer it if it was just the cast reenacting the old show, no new crap. But I suppose it's like a breakfast cereal - it can't be all marshmallows.

Mary Alice: We re-watched it this morning because Pete couldn't remember any of it and I had only foggy recollections. I'm glad we did because HARRY TAKAYAMA was featured in this one. HARRY TAKAYAMA. CONSUMER OF CHEESE DOUGHNUTS. USER OF THE WORD "CHIEF." CRUSHER ON DJ. HUSBAND OF LITTLE STEPHANIE. He is clearly a civilian and had trouble delivering lines, but it was nice to see the old boy again.

Some serious problems surfaced in this episode. First was sincere use of the term "friend zone." At least in this case it was the kids, so it's excusable. The girl on which Jackson, DJ's oldest son, crushes on is very cute, btw.

The other big problem was fucking Aunt Becky. This show makes women out to be baby-obsessed, as Pete mentioned in his review of one of the earlier episodes, where Stephanie tearfully tells DJ that she can't have kids. Anyway, Becky. Her character is baby-obsessed and it's really grating. Aside from playing detective in trying to determine who sent the 1K roses to someone in the Fuller home, all she does is coo over the baby. In this episode, we were treated to her showing DJ all the different outfits she got for the baby. Reading that sentence back, it doesn't make any sense, but that's exactly what happened. And it went on for a good three minutes.

On the bright side, Stamos made an appearance, as did Steve.

So I kind of hated this episode.

EPISODE TEN

Pete: Everyone goes to a baseball game. At one point during the episode, I found myself wishing I was watching baseball instead. The fatigue is starting to set-in. As I've said throughout, the show is adequate for a modern show geared towards a specific demographic, it's nothing I would watch now independent of the Full House cast. It's probably how people felt back when the show first aired. But it was the 80's, man...shit meant something back then. Either way, I hope we're getting YouTube hits on our video.

Spoiler alert: Steve Hale and DJ's other love interest accidentally kiss. I bet this infuriated Kirk Cameron.

Mary Alice: Stephanie is dating a SF Giant and the family goes out to a baseball game. I liked this episode quite a bit, actually. I'm guessing the baseball player is actual because he did weird things like have a full beard and wore a gold fork around his neck. He also had the bug eyes. Not an actor.

I think it helped that Kimmy's ex husband wasn't in this at all. It also helped greatly that Steve was featured rather prominently. I guess DJ is going to split dating time between a veterinarian she works with and Steve. In this episode, they kissed each other. The two men who want to date DJ. It would take too long to explain why, but I thought I should mention that it happened. I totally loled when that happened.

I'm still kind of uncomfortable with Stephanie's porn star good looks in this context.

EPISODE ELEVEN

Pete: Man, that little kid is annoying. He's the new Michelle Tanner. I actually hope at this point the Olsen twin(s) don't get involved, we don't need more people who can't act on the show.

They missed a golden opportunity in this one. There was a cow in the kitchen at one point, and should have said "There's a COW in the kitchen!," a la "There's a CAR in the kitchen!", a la the 1990' episode "Honey, I Broke the House." Looking up the name of that episode just now makes me wish I was watching that instead.

There was an impromptu dance off orchestrated by Stephanie. That also happened in the first series, but I cant place the episode right now. I hope David Lipper shows up in Season 2, needs more Viper.

Mary Alice: I think the writers are running out of steam, here, there have been several leaps in logic. Two examples from this episode. The older kids download a virus on DJ's computer. The dialog went something like this:

Jackson: Oh no! We have to get this fixed!

Ramona: This is going to cost $100!

Jackson: Where are we going to get the money?

Ramona: I have $30!

Jackson: I have $20!

Ramona: Where are we going to get the other $50?

Why would they know that it's going to cost $100 to get the virus removed? How is it that they each have such a round number of dollars? Do they think we can't do math?

I'm nit-picking, of course, but we've watched 11 of these in less than 24 hours and we are where we are.

There was a cow in the kitchen and they did not call back to the time Stephanie drove Joey's car into the kitchen. F-, guys! You FAILED!

On the other hand, the cow was really cute and the whole cow bit wasn't un-funny.

They had an Indian themed party. Blah blah blah.

Dead average, this episode.

EPISODE TWELVE

Pete: Steve shows up for a date with DJ, wearing a wig that used to resemble his hair, in an effort to "Return to the 90s." They keep making references to Steve's hair falling out, which is a bit unfair, because his hairline is just receding some. He actually looks more normal now than he used to. The golden moment came when DJ asked Steve if he knew who Alanis Morrisette's "You Oughta Know" was about.

There's a lot of meat on this show. Lunch meat, ground meat, fried chicken. It's like they're purposely sticking it to us veggies. The real Donna Jo remarked that it made her want more veggie Arby's. But much like Fuller House is a pale comparison to the original, we have the actual Arby's trying to pathetically muscle in on her territory.

Man, that little kid is annoying. Pretty ready for this to be over.

Oh, Stephanie and Kimmy kissed. Lot of same sex kissing on this show. Kirk is gonna blow his top.

Mary Alice: We are rounding the final bend. I can't see this not getting picked up for a second season, so while it's not OVER over, I do find myself relieved, thinking about being able to watch Full House again instead of this bizarre thing, whatever it's been.

There was good and bad in this episode. The good: Steve and DJ spend the day together and it's legitimately sweet. They start out trying to relive their old high school days and then decide that it's time to make some new memories and stop trying so hard. They had a nice time, that involved sticking their hands in raw meat. It was disgusting, but a little cute anyways. I forgot to mention in that baseball episode that there was a flashback to their prom which made me happy. They keep making a big deal about Steve's thinning hair, which I don't think is that bad, but the prom flashback reminded me of how big and helmetlike it actually was. I digress. Fuck that vet guy, I'm with Kimmy. Team Steve all the way.

The bad: Fuck, guys. Kimmy and her ex husband Fernando are getting re-married and presumably also moving in with the Fullers. That means that few-episode break we had from him was just a respite, not the start of a welcome end to his tenure. I really hope they tone him down.

Speaking of the need to tone things down, that KID! The middle child Max, he's just terrible. In this episode he was featured pretty prominently and it was murder. I said in a comment on one of Pete's posts that I can barely understand what he's saying half the time because the inflection is so unnatural, with his over-acting. Saying that he's over-acting is a substantial insult to over-acting itself. Michelle had her annoying moments but she's got NOTHING on this kid. I'd like him to die in a fire.

On to episode 13. Wow, we're here already!

EPISODE THIRTEEN/SERIES ANALYSIS

Pete: The final episode predictably saw Kimmy choosing to not get remarried, and move to Miami. I don't know if it makes any sense what I just said, I'm just really glad not to be watching anymore. Bob Saget was noticeably absent from the last episode. I don't know what his deal is, he doesn't look well. We still don't know if DJ will pick Steve or the other guy, and for the time being I don't care.

****

As I figured from the beginning, you can't go home again. The genre of Sitcom-Core (blissfully unaware innocence) was murdered and dumped in a shallow grave by Seinfeld, and there's no putting the shit back in that horse. Everyone knows they're acting for a newer, more self-aware audience who would ridicule any attempt at a very special episode. That being said, the show doesn't translate to modern times as an updated version of Full House, but rather as something that exists in an alternate world, far from the one where it originated.

They did their best with what they had, as the real Donna Jo Tanner astutely pointed out. I haven't read any of the "official" critique of the show yet, because there's no way they could see it through the same eyes as ours. It's not that this new version shit on the memory of the original, because we only took Full House so seriously to begin with. That's why it made us laugh in a manner different from the Seinfelds of the world. That's why I've written songs about it, because it was something so absurd that in no way reflected reality. I'm not certain how close to reality Fuller House gets, but it's like any modern TV show that tries to hard to be something relevant, instead of something you can turn your brain off to.

God Bless the original, and may it's memory remain untarnished by an understandably mediocre reboot and cash grab.

Mary Alice: 

Well, here we are. It's been quite a journey, hasn't it?

I'll start with the episode. It was good, if altogether rather predictable. Jesse and Becky renewed their vows, but it was distracting because Kimmy and Fernando had their ceremony at the same time AND Joey officiated it because he started a religion about his love of hockey (ugh). I know the show's supposed to be about the Full House girls-cum-women, but I wanted moar Stamos. Why is it too much to ask to have a show about Uncle Jesse only? So while I was kind of giddy about the Jesse/Becky stuff, it was watered down by the rest of it, which I feel is a good metaphor for the entire show.

Before I get to that, there was a point where Pete was like "why isn't Bob Saget there?" Good question. It substantiates my theory that he really didn't want to do this. It's fine, he was a nightmare anyway.

There was also a not-un-funny Bachelorette parody, where DJ was to choose between Matt the vet and apparently former underwear model (I think this was the first we heard of that?) and Steve Mothafuckin' Hale. The end was predictable, but kind of worked as both a cliffhanger for the next season and a nice bow on the whole situation in case there is no next season (there will be).

So overall? I said this out loud to Pete and he agreed: This was the best they possibly could have done. You know, given what they had to work with. They did a really nice job with the call-backs and the plot points. They were a bit heavy on the 90s nostalgia and the THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE NOW (though I began to suspect that a lot of that was due to significant product placement). Was it better than Full House? Of course not. Was it actually good? Of course not. Did it get the job done? Yes, and I would argue that this attempted reboot was actually better than the X Files. I will watch season 2. I'll even look forward to it.