This here pilot is presented in honor of Netflix's terrible idea to dig up the corpse of the mighty Full House, the sitcomcoriest show that ever Sitcom-Cored. A bad idea, eh Grannies? Yeah, because it can only be marginally less stupid than The Growing Pains Movie. My bandmate and I were just discussing how in the year 200o when that Growing Pains movie aired, it was a time of limbo. The Sitcom-Core era as we knew it had long been over - that era, which can be quickly defined as TV that was "blissfully unaware," had expired and given way to the "winky winky" TV era, with every show attempting to be witty and urbane. The formulaic innocence was lost (we theorize) when Seinfeld hit it's stride. As good as Seinfeld was, it was probably too good, and equivalent to Nirvana coming along and blowing 80's hair-metal out of the water. And since we do live in a "post-Nirvana" TV sitcom landscape, I can only imagine a Full House revival would be nothing more than a practice in cognitive dissonance. Two versions of Full House cannot exist in this world, it's too volatile. We'll watch it, of course. So about this song, Someone's Gonna Need Surgery. I had a dream one night about a Full House moment that never happened - Danny was singing a bizarre song while playing guitar, and Joey started singing along in a Kermit the Frog voice, saying "Someone's Gonna Need Surgery!," implying that Danny was going nuts, and would need surgery (presumably on his brain) to bring him back to sanity. So I wrote a song around that phrase exactly as it sounded in my dream, and decided that it should be about the final two-part episode of Full House, where Michelle gets thrown from a horse that she was riding and develops amnesia. The song laments the fact that Michelle survived the accident, but celebrates the fact that Michelle will likely need surgery. The lyrics are generally pretty throwaway, it's all a ploy to repeat "Someone's Gonna Need Surgery!" in a Dave Coulier-imitating-Kermit the Frog voice. Download Now! --->>> Someone's Gonna Need Surgery
The slow speed at which I ate food as a kid was legendary. My mom once recounted a story that she heard from a teacher/lunchroom monitor at my elementary school: A boy's mother was expressing concern to her that her son wouldn't eat fast enough at lunch to keep up with the other kids, and the monitor assured her, "Don't worry, no one eats slower than Peter Faust." And it's true, I often was the last person remaining in the cafeteria before heading out to recess. There are a few prevailing theories to why I would eat so slow: 1. I march to the beat of my own drum machine, and I don't give a flying fuck about meeting the demands of fucking fascists. 2. I was easily distracted, and I would space out and forget about eating. 3. I guess there's actually only two. I also think I didn't have a big appetite. I was kind of a scrawny fella, remember. 4. Unlike some of the other kids, I would finish my lunch entirely. The idea of throwing parts of my lunch away never occurred to me. So, that's kind of a bummer, right people? No, ya gotta be ashamed of eating slow! Thanks everyone, I really needed to be reminded that I eat really slow, and that I'm an embarrassment to you and society in general. Once when I was finished eating my lunch, I headed outside for recess and I saw these two girls laughing at me. "You just finished your lunch?," one of them giggled. Her name was Lindsay. FUCK you Lindsay for reinforcing gender roles. Sure, if I cram a steak down my throat in three seconds, you'll get all excited and want to make sweet love to me. And as it turns out, eating slow is regarded as a positive thing in adulthood. Now that I don't eat particularly slowly, they're telling me to because it's better for your metabolism. I know I made this joke already once before, but there ya have it, the misunderstood genius is once again trampled by the ignorant masses. And while we're on the subject of eating, you can all eat my fucking ass.
Here's yet another new pilot called YO PALM SPRINGS, the subject matter combines a Palm Springs episode of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as well as Saved By the Bell. In the above picture, Will is saying "YO PALM SPRINGS," in anticipation of his visit. It's part of a classic episode from the first season of the show called "Mistaken Identity." The Saved By the Bell part (the first verse/sample) is from an episode called Palm Springs Weekend - that hyperlink there links to some batshit blog with great pictures of the episode. This is one of those where I'm really not concerned whether or not people know what I'm talking about our understand what I'm saying. Should be a good one live, Mary Alice is already working on the projection. PEACE Download Now! ---> YO PALM SPRINGS
Actor Johnny Depp just opened a new club on Sunset Strip in West Hollywood. To commemorate this occasion, here is a musical tribute called The Grand Opening of Johnny Depp's Viper Room. Download Now! -----> The Grand Opening of Johnny Depp's Viper Room
Here's a new pilot called We Here at NASA. It has a drum beat that has been kicking around for almost two years, and it finally has a home. I came up with the lyrics in a daze one recent weekday morning, they are as follows: We here at the Church of Scientology think that you have much better things to do We here at the San Francisco DMV will see you at the San Diego Zoo You can make your baby love you, but you can't predict the rain You may whisper to Cat Stevens, but you can't forget the pain We here at NASA want you to believe in us, cuz we believe in everything you do It contains a sample from the Saved By the Bell episode "The Fight," taken from the very scene where it goes down between Zack and Slater, while the Bayside girls plead for some semblance of order. The line "We Here at NASA" is taken from an old Electric Grandmother song called "Spaceman" from 2003. Hope you like it, and if you don't, it's only about 1:10 long. And yes, the tabloids are correct in reporting on a new EG album coming sometime this Summer. Download Now! ----->>>We Here at NASA
Many years ago I was watching this movie about a war (and I have no idea what it was, so please tell me if you do), where a firefight broke out on the ground between US troops and whoever the enemy was. While the majority of the US troops advanced on the enemy and risked their lives in the battle, this one dude panicked and was like "Fuck this!," and ran the other direction and hid in a fox hole until the gunfire stopped ringing out. At first, the other troops didn't know what he did, but eventually they were on to him, and he was eventually exposed for being a "coward." I really felt empathy for that guy, because that would've been me during a war. I'd of been the "Fuck this!" guy who ran the other way and hid. I felt bad when the others found out what he did. He was just scared. Is that so wrong? A bunch of people he didn't know were shooting machine guns at him for what was very likely a stupid cause. If not wanting to die in the name of such an abstract concept as "Patriotism" is wrong, call me Mr. Wrong. I understand about standing by your friends - that's why I think it would be a good idea for ALL of us underprivileged 20-year olds from rural Nebraska to be like "Fuck this!," and run the other way. Do you think those rich people who put us up to this would risk their lives? Fuck them, and fuck this. They tricked us into this, and now we're getting the fuck out of here. It reminds me of an incident that took place when I was at 6th grade camp. The teachers wanted us students to participate in an "Alligator Hunt," which entailed walking waist deep in a river for miles until a stuffed alligator toy was found. I wasn't a very good swimmer, and I was a short kid, so I was concerned "waist deep" would mean "neck deep" for me. When I got to the edge of the river to go in, I said "Fuck this, I'm not doing it." My cabin partner/friend didn't want to do it either, but he eventually and very gingerly walked in and disappeared down the river. That to me is more cowardly, thank you very much. He was too chickenshit to turn away. So while all those other kids ended up filthy and freezing, me and a few other geeks ended up dry and happy back at the cabin. So let that be a lesson to you kids, it's important to learn the value of "Fuck this!," because fuck them.
Here's a new demo called Bill and Hillary Clinton Making Out in a Hot Tub Filled With Poop and Pee. It kind of happened organically. That picture there was just good fortune. Download! ---> Bill and Hillary Clinton Making Out in a Hot Tub Filled With Poop and Pee
While washing my crotch in the shower this afternoon, it occurred to me that it's been 15 years since The Electric Grandmother was conceived. What started off as a solo home recording project has turned into a world famous husband-wife musical duo. It was December 1999 when I made the first Electric Grandmother tape called "Groovin' on the Jack Move," named after a phrased muttered by the late great Wesley Willis. (Selections from that tape as well as others made through 2002 are available to hear here). Since we started Electric Grandmother as a live act in 2004, I can honestly say that the best part of it all has been all the awesome friends we've made over the years. We're some of the luckiest damn people in the world. That's all that really matters, it's far greater than the American Music Awards we've received. One of the most important things I've learned over the years is how important it is to treat other people kindly. The underground music scene is not the socialist-utopia I presumed it was in my early 20's, it's a lot like high school: People grappling for position, wanting to be more important than others, trying to fill a void in themselves by putting people down. I tell you this my friends - the cynics will always lose, because like the rest of us, they won't be here one day. We haven't got time to be opportunistic at the expense of others, because we don't live forever. That's another important thing I've learned. Be excellent to each other. [embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_yJFLvmjJY[/embed]
It occurred to me recently that I've pretty much mastered the art of dealing with collection agencies. To be fair, I'm not referring to overdue credit card balances, or anything else that potentially would harm you long term. I'm talking about instances where you haven't been actually charged by your bank and had a credit deposit, I'm talking about instances where you basically owe money in theory. To use an old example, the now defunct Columbia House Record Club and their "12 CDs for a penny" deal. You signed an agreement to buy CDs later at full price, but you hadn't actually been charged anything. So here now are Pete's tips for beating a collection agency: Tip #1: You don't owe the Collection Agency fucking shit Collection agencies are hired by the company you owe money to. Those inflated bills that they mail you/call you about includes their fee they've added in, because that's the amount they are charging the company for their services, and so it follows that the company that hired them wants you to foot the bill. If you choose to pay the company anything, pay them directly and ignore the collection agency notices. Once that happens, the notices will stop coming, because you personally don't owe the collection agencies fucking shit. Tip #2: You can wait out the calls, and they'll eventually stop It used to be that a collection agency could call you at home 15 times a day to collect, which would result in more bills being paid to avoid nervous breakdowns. Nowadays with cell phones being the norm, you can see who's calling you and choose to not pick up the phone. Oh, they'll still call you 15 times a day, and on top of it they'll call using different phone numbers. I found a relatively simple solution: Label all the unknown numbers you get, so they're easier to ignore. I had a list of "Jerks #1-#7" on my phone, many of which who have been trying to collect for several years now. Instead of furrowing my brow at an unrecognized number, I got the satisfaction of seeing the word "Jerks" show up on my caller ID every time one of those jerks called. So hang tight on that $400 bill from 2004 that you owe the Ohio State Medical Center, they'll eventually wear themselves out and stop calling. Tip #3: Read this article I found, which sums some things up nicely: http://www.debt.org/credit/collection-agencies/secrets/ Tip #4: Check this Love in An Escalator outtake, from 2010. (The song eventually became what is known as "Reagan's Got the Bomb." Collection Agency <---- Click here Lyriques: I won’t pay, kiss my ass I’ll just sit at home and laugh You’ll just have to take a bath On what you say I owe I won’t pay a bit For this made up shit Get your records straight And get the fuck off of my phone Tip #5: Fuck the collection agencies, they're a bunch of wimps, stay strong, you can do it
This teacher I had in middle school used to call me "Fogsville," because I always looked spaced out. What an awful person she was.
This is the story of how Madonna went from being a dishwasher in Brooklyn to arguably the biggest star in the world. It all started with a dream, a dream that was realized when her manager saw her perform at a talent show. The message is to never give up, because Madonna was once just like you. Your dreams won't chase themselves. Download now!-->>Madonna Was Once Just Like You
Here's a demo of a new song called The Bodyguard. It's from the perspective of the woman, who is trying to come to terms with letting the Bodyguard go. She knows that they are not good for each other, and that the Bodyguard has acted far too selflessly towards her, and that the Bodyguard needs to put himself first for once. Also, she notes that "I won't run to you anyway," indicating that any effort on his part would be in vain. Download now! ----->>>> The Bodyguard
As many of you know, I was raised in a Baptist family. From the time I was born until I was about 16, I went to church with my family every Sunday. We went to three different churches during that time; A church in Cleveland, a second church in Twinsburg, and a third church in my hometown of Aurora, Ohio. During this time, I saw and heard some crazy things. Electric Grandmother Inc., in cooperation with Sitcom-Core Co., is proud to present TALES FROM CHURCH. CLEVELAND: 1978-1984(?) This is obviously the foggiest era with the least amount of available detail. - Believe it or not, one of my most vivid memories of going to church in Cleveland was looking into the church nursery and seeing this little boy sticking his poop covered butt in the air while some woman wiped it. His name was Alex, and the poop smelled horribly. It was probably the most revolting thing I had ever seen up to that point. Later that day, I saw the boy running around while his dad chased and called out to him, "Alex...Alex..." It looked like he still had poop in his pants. - Once we were at the church for a night gathering, and this teenage boy was whirling around this paper cut-out of a bee attached to a string. It made a bee-buzzing sound while he whirled it, and it was outstanding. I asked him to keep doing it over and over, and he kept saying "Mmm-K!" - My favorite hymn was Holy, Holy, Holy, because I thought it was really loud and intense.
If I ever again see a bigger kid bullying a smaller kid, I'm going to intervene and convince the bully that I'm the little kid from the future, and that I came back to kick the crap out of him. I haven't seen a kid being bullied as of late, it was just a thought I had.
Girl Meets World made it's debut last night on the Disney Channel, and it sucked. First of all, I don't know who the heck those two little girls were. I hated them. Cory and Topanga weren't on the show enough, and there weren't enough jokes. Everything moved really fast, because that's how kids today think. I wanted to kill them. There was a boy who was supposed to be Minkus. I hated his guts. There was a hunky boy that was supposed to be Shaun, and I even hated him. You can't go home again, Martha. I wish they were dead. I don't know why they didn't try harder. Does it hurt to try? I don't know, maybe it does. Maybe this was their best try, and this was the best they could do. I don't why there is so much hate in the world. I'm not certain why there are wars, disease, and famine, it's just a part of life we have to accept. I don't know why some people seemingly have to suffer their whole lives, while others are tremendously fortunate. I think those of us who are fortunate should really appreciate what we have, because others aren't so lucky. We should also make a point to reach out to those who are suffering, and offer gentle compassion. Only when we offer compassion to others will we begin to offer compassion to ourselves, and therein my friends, lies the key.