Rerun – April 2010

I’ll just say it: This is one of the best songs I’ve ever written.  It kind of slips through the cracks of EG lore (Yeah, we have LORE asshole!) because it was only done live for a short period of time, primary due to it not being funny.  It’s kind of awkward when you plow through a dozen songs about Full House, then suddenly drop a sensitive and sappy non-Mary Alice! themed song out of nowhere.

It’s called Tom’s Girl, and it’s about my (5 years my senior) cousin Tom and a story he told me when I was a kid (I estimate 1990).  He and his family had traveled from Maryland to Virginia the summer before, and he had met a girl at an amusement park while on the trip.  He told me that they spent most of the day together, and even made out and did some “things” together while on rides.  Before they parted ways she gave him her phone number on a piece of paper, but he never called her and eventually just threw her number away.  I asked him why he did such a thing, and he said that he didn’t see the point of keeping it, mainly due to the long distance that separated them.

I imagine that Tom has all but forgotten this moment of his life, but it certainly stuck with me.  It made me sad to think about what could have been between them.  It made me sad to think about her waiting for his call.  It made me sad to think about how there are some moments in our lives that seem so significant in the present, but are so soon forgotten in time.

Go ahead and laugh and scoff away at my hopeless romanticism (romanticness?)  Either way, kiss my rear at Sunday sundown.  Oh by the way, that’s Tom’s girlfriend from Tom & Jerry in the above photograph.

Check out Tom’s Girl, from the 2004 album Sin City Sex Mix.

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Inside My Young Mind

When I was younger, I used to fantasize about a wrestling league for kids (insert joke here) called “Miniature-WWF.”  I had imaginary story lines and everything.  I used a lot of kids from my school as characters, including one of the more popular boys as the “Miniature-WWF Champion.”  I would sit and imagine for countless hours during school about wrestling scenarios involving the kids, complete with exciting ring drama and backstage interviews.  (I wouldn’t say I was a lonely child, just an oft-bored one).

I hadn’t really thought about “Miniature-WWF” in years until I came across a website detailing the history of the National Wrestling Federation, a league of kid wrestlers created by a kid that lasted from 1984-1990.  There is a documentary film about the NWF that was created several years ago by the league founder, Shawn “Crusher” Crossen.  It details the history of the league, from it’s humble “basement mattress” beginnings, to cable-broadcast public events, to it’s eventual demise.  I haven’t seen it yet, but damn it if I’m not intrigued as all hell!  (Note: I did not include myself as a character in my own kids’ wrestling league, because that would have been weird).

I hear what you’re saying right now – “Yo EG, they’ve been doing ‘backyard wrestling’ for years, what’s the big whoopty-doo?”  The NWF wasn’t at all like that creepy stuff that those creeps do.  These kids weren’t jumping off rooftops onto their older brother’s camaro while rubbing a kid’s face into a pile of broken glass. They actually had a real ring set up complete with referee, and it looked DARN cute.  It was exactly how I used to picture it in my mind.

I watched Pro Wrestling or “Rasslin’” as a kid from about ‘86-’93, then watched again as an adult for a brief period during the late-90’s WWF “Attitude Era.”  It’s not something that I really watch at this point in my life, but I’m always up for a walk down wrestling-memory lane.  So “Crusher” Crossen, if you ever read this, kudos to you.  Simply put, you’re the boy of my dreams.

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Pittsburgh Saturday!

ZOWZABAR!!!

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Kids Today

Kids today, I tell ya.  They have no moral compass.

Last Saturday, there was an EG gig in Canton at a DIY house, and it went swimmingly well despite some unusual circumstances.  There were 5 bands scheduled for the night, including us.  Problem was, only 2 bands showed up to perform – including us.  The venue owner told me that one local band had to cancel, and that two young bands traveling together from Boston bailed on them.  Apparently, the two young bands arrived earlier in the evening and immediately asked about a guarantee.  They were told there was no guarantee, but the club intended to solicit donations.  They then told the venue owner they were going to dinner, then never came back.

That’s one of the bands in the above photo (the three guys with hairdos).  I wasn’t going to use any names or visuals, but they were already exposed by my friend Brian on his Broken Headphones blog.  The funny thing about that photo is that they’re obviously trying to be ironic.  What ’s ironic to me is that the photo reflects how this band really acted that night.  Look, I don’t claim to understand what goes on in a 21-year old emo kid’s mind.  The fact that kids today feel more entitled than ever is not even the point.  There’s one thing that’s universally wrong, and that’s being rude to people who don’t deserve it.  I don’t care what the fuck Hot Topic-Kevin Says-Warped Tour fucking stage you’ve played on.  (In fact, that only reinforces their assholery).  Not cool, kids.  Not cool.

Okay, the sense of entitlement thing does bother me.  These kids wonder why us old fogeys hate their fucking guts.  Look at that picture, and tell me you don’t want to punch them all in the damn head.

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Right…

Okay, I have to say something here.

Above is a photo of the band She & Him.  They are famous because actress Zooey Deschanel is famous.  The guy’s name is M. Ward, and he’s nobody.  I mean, maybe he’s sort of somebody, but not really.  I’ve never heard their music, but I know I already fucking hate it just by looking at them.

My point in this:  There needs to be a universal law about how much people can have in life.  Being a famous musical group like them doesn’t really interest me, it’s more about the principals involved.  I could start the shittiest band in the world, but if Angela Lansbury was in the band, we’d be critically acclaimed and playing SxSW.  The rich only get richer, and it’s just not right.

Let’s do a compare and contrast between She & Him and The Electric Grandmother:

Hot Guy & Girl band members:  Both Check.

Critical acclaim entirely based on already being famous: Only a little.

Invite to SxSW: Not really interested, but since you mentioned it: No.

Already wealthy from previous artistically satisfying jobs: No.

Married to other already wealthy people with artistically satisfying  jobs: No.

Not having to go to work: No, we’re still there.

Presumably dull: Unequivocally awesome.

Ability to masturbate on top of a pile of 20 dollar bills: Depends on the size of the pile.

Wearing a stupid shirt that makes you look like an Amish Farmer: Does Mennonite count?

You see what I’m getting at.  They’re only ripping off Don Johnson in the end, anyway.   I’d rather not do that.  Ya barn raising, banjo playing motherfuckers!

Also,  Johnny Depp started a band and ripped me off by calling the group Pee.

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The Dynamic Duo

My other role as “interesting writer” has suffered as of late due to more pressing matter of promoting my new album.  So here are some interesting thoughts.

The Electric Grandmother started off as a solo project in December 1999.  I created several cassettes worth of songs over the span of 4 years, and I gave these cassettes album titles.  My then-girlfriend Mary Alice helped me package these cassettes in crudely made xerox’ed sleeves, and for that I thanked her in the liner notes.  Between 2003 and 2004, I created three CD-R albums worth of songs, which were also packaged by Mary Alice, who became my wife in 2004.

In the summer of 2004, I was asked to perform live as The Electric Grandmother, something I had never intended to do.  Mary Alice and I quickly brainstormed the possibilities of an EG performance, and concocted a scheme that included my music, my vocals, visual projection, disco lights, and a bubble machine.  So it came to pass on a chilly June night in Cleveland, the Electric Grandmother live performance was born.

The visual projection started off as just a distraction to my on stage rantings and ravings.  We purchased an old slide projector which Mary Alice operated by hand – literally.  She manually turned the slide tray, as the buttons on the projector were broken.  We didn’t have a lot of money, so we were only able to create 3 or 4 finished slides to project for every song performed.  As this point in time, Mary Alice’s participation appeared minimal, despite her help in hauling equipment and traveling to shows.  Bottom line, it was my music and my show, and that’s all that we were used to knowing.

Over the next couple of years, The Electric Grandmother began to gather an audience, and we began to be able to cover some expenses.  We were able to purchase an LCD projector in the summer of 2006, which offered endless projection possibilities for the live shows, with no limit on “images per song.”  Despite Mary Alice’s increased participation in this regard, she was rarely recognized projecting from the front of the stage.  After performances, audience members would often compliment me on the live projection.  I would tell them that it was all Mary Alice, but it would usually go ignored.  After all, me and the images were all they would see.  Knowing that my wife’s participation and devotion to the project was not being recognized made me sad, but neither of us knew what to do about it.  It was all we knew for so many years – EG the solo project.

From 2007-2009, I put in a greater effort to make sure that Mary Alice was recognized for her efforts.  I started referring to her on stage as a member of the band, despite her being off stage and occasionally unnoticed.  Following the release of my first “pressed” album in 2007, her projection got more complex and not as easily emulated by the occasional friend/road gig “stand in.”  (Mary Alice is the anti-road dog).  It was clear that her role in The Electric Grandmother, the live band, was now of immeasurable and irreplaceable importance.

Fast forward to 2010.  I have a new album, and we have a new set up (which some of you have already seen) where we’re both on stage.  This set up was invented out of logistics, due to our now wanting to project behind the stage, as opposed to the side.  We’re both loving the new set up, despite Mary Alice’s nervousness at being in front of people.  I’ve made a concerted effort to promote The Electric Grandmother as a band, and no longer as a solo project.  We’ve additionally come to an agreement about when to take the show on the road, which will assure that Mary Alice will always be a participant.  I hope now to effectively display to the world what The Electric Grandmother has always been.  A duo.

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Download the new EG album for FREE!

Download the new Electric Grandmother album Listening Party for fuckin’ FREE from Infinite Number of Sounds Recording Company!

It’s free, so go for it!

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March 6, 2010

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Review of “Listening Party” in Columbus Alive Magazine

Check it out right here!

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Electric Grandmother on Local Pop Radio Hour

Hey everybody, check out a phone interview I did on Tuesday, February 23rd with Pat Leonard of Local Pop Radio Hour.  We discuss the new EG album Listening Party, and he plays 4 songs off of it before and after the chitty-chatter.

Hear it right here!  (EG stuff starts at about 42:30 of the podcast)

New album released on March 6th!

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Electric Grandmother on Frontstage 101 – Thursday, February 25th

Thursday, February 25th
9PM
Frontstage 101 will be playing some tunes from the new EG album Listening Party
101.1 FM Columbus
Online Stream anywhere in the Universe

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Regionnaires Disease

Ok, so here’s what I have going on as of right now:

March 6th – Columbus – The Treehouse (Album Release show)
March 13th – Cleveland – Bela Dubby (Album Release show)
March 20th – Canton – Old Glory
April 3rd – Pittsburgh – Howler’s Coyote Cafe

There’s likely more to come.  And of course, back in Columbus on May 29th at the Treehouse for the FAT GIRLS BY THE SNACK TABLE REUNION SHOW!  OMG RIOT GRRRL 69 4U!!!

So, if you know anybody outside of the ‘bus who would want to come out for an evening, tell ‘em that there’s going to be free cake at this gigs.  (By “cake” I mean CDs, but cake is generally more popular and sought after).

THE OLYMPICS!!!

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There once was a man…

…named Matthew Osborn.  Don’t worry, he’s still alive – just not around.

This man, for lack of better description, is “good at life.”  He manages much better than the ordinary citizen.  His story lies in his new website, Real Cheap Food.  If you ever find yourself penniless and without hope, this website will guide you to a new beginning.

This is a non-paying endorsement, as Mr. Osborn (or “Mosborn” as he is known in certain circles) has nothing to give but a vast field of knowledge and survival skills.  This man will fight a moose in the street, if only for the life experience.

Find yourself…

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Track Listing for “Listening Party”

This is the graphic of the inside CD tray:

And here is the track listing for Listening Party:

Listening Party
My Neighbors
Purple Shit
Dinosaurs
England-Man American
She’s Trouble!
A Man Called ZZ Top
Piece of Poo
New Coke Rap
September 15, 1987
Ukraine Sexy Girls
Bob and Richie Go to Mexico
Guyliner
The Alexvanderpoolera!

14 songs, clocks in at just under 25 minutes.  Hit it and quit!

I’m very proud to be releasing this CD & Digital Album with Infinite Number of Sounds Recording Company. If you’re not familiar with INS Rec Co, they digitally reissued the 5 prior EG releases on their record label.  They are great, just like you!  Browse the site, pick up some free digital albums.  Or give us money for them, no argument there.

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Teen Poetry #3: “Confused”

I’m so damn confused
I have no idea what the hell to do
I’m so fucked in the head
I have no idea whether I’m alive or dead
Chop up a fish
Blow up a car
Can’t turn back
‘Cause I’ve gone too far
I’m confused as hell
I think I’m insane
Those motherfuckers think we’re all the same 
They put me down
I say “Oh well”
If you don’t like it, you can go to hell
The hell that is called Planet Smell

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Balloon Boy’s Mom Sides With Balloon Boy

In a strange twist, Balloon Boy’s mom has decided to side against her husband with Balloon Boy, which is pretty bizarre.  It’s difficult to wrap your head around why someone would admit to perpetrating a so-called hoax, when it it was simply a matter of a child misbehaving.  In other words, Balloon Boy’s mom has officially taken the blame instead of having Balloon Boy be held accountable for his actions.

Well, fuck Balloon Boy extra now.  This poor woman, the same person who forced Balloon Boy’s ungrateful demon head through her birth canal, is now being sold down the river by that six-year old sack of shit.  

Say goodbye to your home (pictured below), Balloon Boy.  Say goodbye to the warmth of your black sweatshirt (also below).  Most importantly, say goodbye to the barn you decided to hide in (not pictured).  Good night, Irene.  Burn the flag.

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Teen Poetry #2: “Mr. Plastic”

Hey Mr. Plastic
Why do you conform?
Is it because it’s the norm?
Or is it because of society?
Don’t you even lie to me
Because I can see your invisible eyes
And is no surprise
That you’re the one I despise
Mr. Plastic
You and your wretched friends
Don’t even want to pretend
That you even really exist
So give your wife a kiss
In your mansion in suburbia
But I am impervious to your control
And I doubt you’ll ever see the whole
Photograph of your soul
Mr. Plastic

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Teen Poetry: “Leftovers”

You think we want your table scraps?
You can keep them, you dicka-licka
Glad all you important eaters got to eat
We’re so grateful for your leftover piss salad
Ya stupid a-hole
Fight the power
You can’t bring me down, clown
I’ll watch you choke on your champagne
Mr. Suit Man
Keep your leftovers
I’ll set them on fire for you
You do not want my pain
Because I am insane
And you’re just a stain

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Get Well Rue!

I heard from Weird Paul that Rue McClanahan suffered a minor stroke recently.  I don’t know how he does it, but he always is the first to tell me any pressing Golden Girls news.

Hopefully she’ll have a full recovery, seeing as how the stroke was minor.  In honor of Rue, I scanned my personalized autographed 8×10 glossy she gave me at the mall in 1998.  The recent passing of my personal fav Bea Arthur leaves only two surviving gold gals.  In double honor of Rue and Betty, here once again is Miami Is Nice.

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Pilot – January 2010

Here is a new song called Peegaze that will end up being an outtake from my upcoming March 2010 album Listening Party.  

“Peegaze” is a genre of music I invented recently.   It’s like Shoegaze music, but it sounds like pee.  You’ll only understand this song if you live in Columbus.  Partly why the song doesn’t really belong on the album.

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